On Being a Whole Woman

Warning: Girl talk ahead.

Did that get your attention? Are any of you still with me? Well, it's ok if you aren't. What I want to talk about today is an odd little something that God's blessed me with in the last month. You see, when I was 16, I was told by a doctor that I'd probably find out that I was sterile when I tried to have kids. I wasn't ovulating at all, and it looked like I was just completely unable to do so.

It didn't bother me right away. A year or so passed by and I started growing up, thinking about what kind of life I wanted to lead and the things I wanted to do. I've always wanted to be a mother. I began to have these intensely vivid dreams about being married to a faceless man, in love, and heavily pregnant with his child. Those mornings, I wake up crying.

It ached to hold a child. While I was overseas last summer, we visited an orphanage. I lasted for a good period of time, but at one point, I just had to set the baby I was holding down and step into the hall. I cried for longer than I care to admit. I don't work with kids at church because it hurts in my heart to see their faces.

Recently, though, I had gotten to the point of trusting in God and realizing that no matter what, He'll provide for me. If that means He'd work Hannah's miracle in me, that would be amazing. If it meant He'd provide a way for adoption, I'd be blessed that way as well.

God works in funny ways. Just a few months after I came to peace with the concept of being sterile, I was diagnosed with a disorder called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I figured, great. This means that they have a name for why I can't have kids. Then one of the doctors I saw said the most beautiful thing. He said that women with PCOS respond really well to hormone and fertilization treatments. More than likely, when I'm ready for children, I'll be able to have as many fat babies as I want.

God is good. It's not a Hannah, but He still worked a miracle for me. I went home that afternoon and couldn't help but cry for joy. I no longer feel like I'm less of a woman. I feel like there's a plan for me that involves the children I so desire. And I can be content to wait until God shows me that faceless man in my dreams and gives him the face I know that I'll love.