Today is the twenty-first day of the worst headache of my life. Considering I've been getting at least three weekly headaches since I was twelve years old (read: 8 years), that says something. To be honest- and let's face it, sometimes a blog is the only place you can feel fully honest- this scares me to death. There are so many things that it could be caused by, so many possibilities. My mother always says that I row the boat before I even get into the water, saying that I worry before it's even an issue, but this is very real. I know full well that they will be checking for tumors, for vascular issues, and for a few other very serious conditions. I've been tested before, but that was 6-7 years ago. A lot can change in that time.
I don't like being unprepared, either. I like to have plans and stratagies. I'm probably the only person at my school with a fire-safe lock box for the important documents, but hey. If there's a fire or earthquake, my important documents are safe. I don't, however, have an "In case of cancer" plan.
To be honest? I'd probably quit school for a little while. I'd get my father to come down here and we'd haul my stuff home. I'd do my treatment at home, maybe a little bit of online schooling through the local community college. Make a few trips to see the really important people in my life.
I'm tired of the pain, too. The pain's been so bad that I just can't do more than one or two things a day. Unfortunately, this is tech week and I can't bring myself to go to class. I can't focus and I can't be around bright lights long enough to actually sit through a class. I went to chapel today and it was torture.
Please. Pray for me. I have an appointment on Monday with the doctor. He's a little limited as to what tests he can do due to certain complications, but hopefully, we'll have an answer soon. Pray that I can have the strength to make it through opening weekend this weekend. Pray that I can stop worrying about all the what ifs and take peace in the knowledge that whatever it is, God has a plan for me.
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2 comments:
Oh man, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I will pray for you and your health. And try not to worry too much. :)
Dang girl. That is really intense. I have no idea what you're going through. I hope and pray everything works out ok. But I agree with your mother. You can't plan everything. Enjoy the now. Always be present, and realize that despite your best efforts- life evades our plans. Good luck
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