1:30 A.M.

It's 1:30 in the morning. I haven't been able to sleep, despite being so tired. Everything's gone terribly wrong in my head. I find myself saying all too often "2009 is not my year," despite only being 1/12 through it.

The year started off rather well. I closed 2008 with a youth conference and opened 2009 with another conference. Things just seemed to spiral downward. My job situation has shifted enough that it's difficult to stay afloat monetarily. My truck ended up needing work done on it, which cost me $200 that I didn't have. The one class I was looking forward to this school year was canceled. I ended things with my boyfriend because he just wasn't the right one for me. Money's even tighter because my loan check is being delayed. There's stress in my apartment between my roommates and myself and it's mostly because they don't talk to me about much.

My parents are getting divorced.

That's the hardest thing of all. All I've ever known is mom *and* dad. They've been married 25 years. I helped my dad arrange the flowers he got her for their anniversary this last November. It breaks my heart and destroys a lot of what I thought about marriage. It makes me nervous to continue dating. It makes me scared to consider moving forward.

I've got my head all in a fog. I can't concentrate and I fear that I might fall behind in classes a little. I don't know how to focus enough around this whole thing. I'm scared and lonely and it doesn't matter that I'm around people. I don't know how to get through this.

Passed Props Pose Problems

I love alliterations.

So I haven't taken a huge look at the results of the recent election. I was pretty resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be too terribly happy with either president. I couldn't really care about the representatives for the state or anything along that line. What really held my interest were two propositions- Props 4 and 8.

Prop 4, as you may know, was the proposed law to require that abortion agencies inform parents prior to conducting an abortion for a minor. It did not pass. Frankly, this upsets me on two levels- intellectual and spiritual. On the spiritual level, I am fully pro-life and feel that once a child is conceived, it has life. Speaking as a woman who is at a very high risk of being infertile, I wish that there were more emphasis on adoption in these situations. On an intellectual level, it infuriates me that parents get angry over a child receiving an asprin without their permission but allow invasive surgery to be conducted, a surgery that has many complications and both emotional and mental scarring. What type of twisted world do we live in where that makes sense?

I understand that there are girls out there who make mistakes, end up pregnant, and could be hurt by a parent if they came out and said that they were pregnant. Still, wouldn't it be much more positive and proactive if we developed a way to facilitate the informing of parents that would keep the girl safe?

Prop 8. It's so loaded. I do not feel that God supports and blesses same sex relationships. However, I do not believe that it is a disease or a defect that should be "healed" or whatever it is that people believe should be happening to those who are gay. I did not support nor did I vote for Prop 8 and that is because I feel that by it passing, it just brings about another step of discrimination against these people who are in despirate need of God's love.

Now, there are gay Christians. I work with an organization called the Gay Christian Network. Their website can be found at http://www.gaychristian.net/ and you can see what their ministry entails. I support what they call Side B- those who identify and embrace their sexuality rather than try to change it, but still remain celibate and abstain from same-sex relationships. It is my dream, my very bold dream, that one day, churches will be welcoming people into their congregations and rather than promoting the ex-gay ministries, they advocate a Side B approach. It is my dream that every gay and lesbian that I come across will not feel like they are second-rate in society's eyes, in my eyes, in the church's eyes, nor in God's eyes.

Prop 8 just serves to lower these people. How can we call ourselves Christians if we reject a group of people based on one item that makes up part of who they are? We were not sent out to reach out to the whole, but to the broken.

I'm so glad that I don't plan on living in California for long.

No Props for Prop 8- Part 2

Last night was Halloween. As you can guess, I saw a lot of things that I don't typically see. After all, I was dressed as a witch. How often do you see a pirate, a sniper, a witch, a princess, and Master Chief wandering down a sidewalk together?

What really bothered me, though, was how many people I saw carrying around Yes/No on Prop 8 signs. (No, they didn't say both options- I just saw both types of sign.) It's Halloween- a time for fun and frivolity, not for political statements.

What really concerns me about this proposition is the potential ramifications that such a proposition may have on the GLBT community and the huge rift that is there between the Christian church as a whole and the community itself. You see, many churches react badly to a member of the church coming out of the closet. They demand that the person either leave the church or try to change who they are, go through things called ex-gay ministries. I'm not going to reference any specific ones here, because I think they're really more damaging than they benefit people. It's rare to have success stories that really last a lifetime, that don't leave the person damaged. Besides, a straight person wouldn't ever be forced to become gay, would they? Of course not. That's their nature.

The problem is that people assume that by identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, you are automatically sinning. However, it is not until one actually acts on such an urge that a sin is being transgressed. I am in full support of those who identify as gay Christians and also identify as celebate as far as their homosexual urges go. I feel that by such a blatant refusal to give the GLBT community something that they've asked, to exclude them from something so important in our society, just brings more discrimination against them. Here's the kicker- A person who is gay is no different from you or me.

If the church could get to that point and deal with the issue of sin without condemning the person, what a revolution could be had!

Excerpts from Real Life

Today is the twenty-first day of the worst headache of my life. Considering I've been getting at least three weekly headaches since I was twelve years old (read: 8 years), that says something. To be honest- and let's face it, sometimes a blog is the only place you can feel fully honest- this scares me to death. There are so many things that it could be caused by, so many possibilities. My mother always says that I row the boat before I even get into the water, saying that I worry before it's even an issue, but this is very real. I know full well that they will be checking for tumors, for vascular issues, and for a few other very serious conditions. I've been tested before, but that was 6-7 years ago. A lot can change in that time.

I don't like being unprepared, either. I like to have plans and stratagies. I'm probably the only person at my school with a fire-safe lock box for the important documents, but hey. If there's a fire or earthquake, my important documents are safe. I don't, however, have an "In case of cancer" plan.

To be honest? I'd probably quit school for a little while. I'd get my father to come down here and we'd haul my stuff home. I'd do my treatment at home, maybe a little bit of online schooling through the local community college. Make a few trips to see the really important people in my life.

I'm tired of the pain, too. The pain's been so bad that I just can't do more than one or two things a day. Unfortunately, this is tech week and I can't bring myself to go to class. I can't focus and I can't be around bright lights long enough to actually sit through a class. I went to chapel today and it was torture.

Please. Pray for me. I have an appointment on Monday with the doctor. He's a little limited as to what tests he can do due to certain complications, but hopefully, we'll have an answer soon. Pray that I can have the strength to make it through opening weekend this weekend. Pray that I can stop worrying about all the what ifs and take peace in the knowledge that whatever it is, God has a plan for me.