Update?

So it's been forever since I've blogged. In fact, a friend just mentioned my blog, which motivated me to look at it, which motivated a blog post, so Red? This is all your fault.

2009 really did suck. It was just one bad thing after another, with a few little bright spots just to screw with my mind. I was so glad when I ushered in a new year. I'm 21 now, I've managed to figure myself out somewhat, and some awesome changes have been happening.

Like I changed schools! I left CBU mid-semester, which may or may not have been a terribly wise choice, but worked for me. I'm now at the Art Institute of California in San Bernardino, about to start working on a culinary degree! I'm hunting for a job, but that also seems to be going well, and life is just on an upswing, praise God!

I'm living off-campus. Have since this last summer. My roommates are pretty awesome, and I've got a room to myself again. I don't know. It just seems like things are set for a decent path. It's going to be a struggle, that's obvious. But it'll be a good one.

On Being a Whole Woman

Warning: Girl talk ahead.

Did that get your attention? Are any of you still with me? Well, it's ok if you aren't. What I want to talk about today is an odd little something that God's blessed me with in the last month. You see, when I was 16, I was told by a doctor that I'd probably find out that I was sterile when I tried to have kids. I wasn't ovulating at all, and it looked like I was just completely unable to do so.

It didn't bother me right away. A year or so passed by and I started growing up, thinking about what kind of life I wanted to lead and the things I wanted to do. I've always wanted to be a mother. I began to have these intensely vivid dreams about being married to a faceless man, in love, and heavily pregnant with his child. Those mornings, I wake up crying.

It ached to hold a child. While I was overseas last summer, we visited an orphanage. I lasted for a good period of time, but at one point, I just had to set the baby I was holding down and step into the hall. I cried for longer than I care to admit. I don't work with kids at church because it hurts in my heart to see their faces.

Recently, though, I had gotten to the point of trusting in God and realizing that no matter what, He'll provide for me. If that means He'd work Hannah's miracle in me, that would be amazing. If it meant He'd provide a way for adoption, I'd be blessed that way as well.

God works in funny ways. Just a few months after I came to peace with the concept of being sterile, I was diagnosed with a disorder called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I figured, great. This means that they have a name for why I can't have kids. Then one of the doctors I saw said the most beautiful thing. He said that women with PCOS respond really well to hormone and fertilization treatments. More than likely, when I'm ready for children, I'll be able to have as many fat babies as I want.

God is good. It's not a Hannah, but He still worked a miracle for me. I went home that afternoon and couldn't help but cry for joy. I no longer feel like I'm less of a woman. I feel like there's a plan for me that involves the children I so desire. And I can be content to wait until God shows me that faceless man in my dreams and gives him the face I know that I'll love.

Odd Dreams

I've been noticing a recurring theme in a lot of the most vivid dreams that I've been having over the last several months. In these dreams, I'm either pregnant or I have a baby either through my own pregnancy or some strange twist of fate. Once, it was because some guy held up the restaurant I was at and when I talked him out of killing us all, he gave me his infant son to raise before letting us go and killing himself.

I know, disturbing dream.

The reason I blog about this is because last night, I was visited by yet another baby dream. I was in some sort of fantasy world in which I was attending school for... something. I simply remember that I wore a uniform and that I was only really happy when I was singing. Along comes this guy. He's sweet and slightly awkward, and through some odd happenstance, I had apparently gotten formally engaged to this guy and somehow pregnant because of him. I was upset and angry with him, because I felt like I had no choice in all of this. Still, through the dream, I kept my "situation" from him and started falling for him. When it came out that I was with child, he suddenly pulled this really cool move where he turned into a freaking panther and stole me away to his family's home. Turns out he's a prince or some such, and had magic.

I spent the rest of my dream simply spending time with him and getting bigger and bigger. I woke up well before I was due, but you know what? I really wanted to get back to that dream. Stupid biological clock. Stupid hormones. I guess I'm at the age of wanting a baby and it's permeating into my subconscious.

...I hope that there's not a guy out there who's thinking of dating me that reads my blog, because I just scared him away. Ah, well. I know that it's unreasonable to have a baby now. I mean, I'm in the middle of school and don't have a husband nor a "real job". Still. I really wish that I could have my own family soon. It's been strange, hanging around mostly couples. It really makes me feel... alone.

A pink bubble wish that came true

Just an hour and a half after I made my wish, I got a knock at the door. Oh, I totally had the moment of looking at it, wide eyed and thinking, "Holy crap, did it come true?" In a way, it was better. Two friends of mine, Autumn and David, were stopping off to say hey and that Autumn was heading home for the weekend. Then David hands me a rose and a bag from himself and his wife, Erica, and says happy Valentine's day.

Sometimes, friends who love you like family are better than any boy. Now I have two roses (One from my RA) and some chocolates. My daddy used to always get me something for Valentine's day, and this more than makes up for that.

Pink bubble wishes

So I just recently came to terms with the idea of a shorter blog post. I think this is going to be one of those.

I realized just a second ago that if I could be given a perfect moment, I know exactly what I would want. I'd want to hear a knock at the door and open it to find my crush standing there, maybe with a flower or something, and invite me to dinner or to spend time with him tomorrow. I think right now, right at this state, that would be my perfect moment.

Guest Star- The Duck

I was featured recently in a friend's blog, and it looks to be that this Duck, as I am so affectionately dubbed, will be cropping up there from time to time with the Duck News. I seem to find myself with a plethora of animal-centric nicknames. Bunny, Duck... One more and I'm a trifecta of mammals.

Anyways, go take a look at my dear buddy Daft over at Not The Way It Happened... and say that the Duck sent you.

As a side note, I just realized that the content of my blog probably makes some of you wonder if I suffer from multiple personality disorder. Don't worry, folks, it isn't true.

I enjoy every moment of it.

1:30 A.M.

It's 1:30 in the morning. I haven't been able to sleep, despite being so tired. Everything's gone terribly wrong in my head. I find myself saying all too often "2009 is not my year," despite only being 1/12 through it.

The year started off rather well. I closed 2008 with a youth conference and opened 2009 with another conference. Things just seemed to spiral downward. My job situation has shifted enough that it's difficult to stay afloat monetarily. My truck ended up needing work done on it, which cost me $200 that I didn't have. The one class I was looking forward to this school year was canceled. I ended things with my boyfriend because he just wasn't the right one for me. Money's even tighter because my loan check is being delayed. There's stress in my apartment between my roommates and myself and it's mostly because they don't talk to me about much.

My parents are getting divorced.

That's the hardest thing of all. All I've ever known is mom *and* dad. They've been married 25 years. I helped my dad arrange the flowers he got her for their anniversary this last November. It breaks my heart and destroys a lot of what I thought about marriage. It makes me nervous to continue dating. It makes me scared to consider moving forward.

I've got my head all in a fog. I can't concentrate and I fear that I might fall behind in classes a little. I don't know how to focus enough around this whole thing. I'm scared and lonely and it doesn't matter that I'm around people. I don't know how to get through this.

GCN Conference 2009- Day One

Something that I've mentioned in early blog posts is that I have the privilege of working with a group called the Gay Christian Network (GCN) as a member and a volunteer. GCN has been a ministry that I really can get behind and I've been blessed even as I work for them. The purpose of this forum-based community is to connect people with those who identify as gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered and Christian with others like them, supporters, and friends and family members that are supportive and/or are searching for answers about what God is doing in this community.

Each year, this world-wide network hosts a conference in a major city in the United States. Last year was Washington, D.C. This year was Anaheim and it was my first conference. I've always been involved heavily with whatever church or ministry that I'm a part of, so I immediately volunteered to help out when I realized that I could go to this conference.

Sometime this last spring, a friend of mine contacted me to say "I'm helping coordinate the conference and I wanted to know if you're able to do this." She offered me the position of Publicity Director- I would make the printed materials needed for the conference. Well, I know my way around Publisher and I know what tends to be the best layout for this type of thing. I've attended a lot of conferences. So I said yes and we got rolling.

Getting the program printed was a bit of a nightmare. Unfortunately, schedules tend to wait until the last minute before they're finalized. In addition to this, the night I was hoping to have it finished, my dear Yoshihiro (my laptop) decided that he was going to throw a temper tantrum and not open things properly. I ended up being that crazy looking lady in the airport who has her lunch sitting next to her with her laptop in her lap and a cell phone in her ear, calling around and confirming everything. Still, the programs got printed, they looked awesome, and they got to the hotel early enough to be prepped for registration.

So how did I experience conference? Mostly, it was from the back of the room. Things kicked off Thursday with me learning how to run the program for the projection stuff during the services. I tried to stay as on hand as possible for Chris and Dennis, just basically being their minion of sorts. I absolutely love the job, by the way. They are two amazing people who are fired up for the Lord and just want to serve. Working with them was a blessing. I had dinner with my English roommate, got to talk to a few conference attendees down in the hotel cafe, and then headed up to help out with registration while the regular volunteers got dinner. It was so amazing to have the chance to meet so many people as they were registering. I think things got a little like a whirlwind at one point, but to see so many people registered...

I had a really great opportunity during the general session too. Just after the worship, I ducked out to visit the restroom and Nate from the office was wandering around. He needed more supplies but didn't have a way to get anywhere. Can you say field trip? We hopped into my truck and took off to Target. I loved that evening with Nate, just heading out, getting things done, and talking while we're at it. After cutting a bunch of cards for name tags and ribbon for identifying those who are ok with photos, I spent a while peeling the backs off of avatar photo stickers and just being available for answering questions. I love to be helpful, I really do. I feel like I get more out of an event when I can serve than when I am served.

After things wrapped up a little, I just went and crashed in bed. It wasn't pretty. Friday through Sunday left to talk about. Stay tuned!

Oops

I really need to start updating this more often. Well, Christmas did show up and then I had two conferences, one of which I will be blogging about later. Still, I glanced at my blog, saw that I had gotten really excited about ISP and said "Well, darn. I need to tell the 3.7 people who read my blog that I'm not going."

That's right. I'm not going. I lost funding, couldn't feel comfortable with where I was going and what I was doing, and realized that I really did need to stay here and take some classes. Plus, a good pair of friends of mine are getting married, and if I had gone, I would have missed their wedding. Not good!

My truck also almost died. Yeah. Buddy says to me, "Hey, don't take it in. I'll teach you to replace the oil." In his defense, I do now know how to change my own oil. I also know what not to do and how to change my transmission fluid. Thanks, Rick.

Single again. Don't know if I told y'all that I was dating. Still, it's for the best all around. Oh, hey, I should get ready for class. See you guys real soon!

ISPOMGBBQ

My boyfriend said something to me recently that got me thinking just a little bit. He said, "I love surprises, but I hate anticipation." He was referring to the fact that, as a planner, I occasionally hint at the fact that a surprise is coming, but let his imagination fill in the blanks. To be rather frankly honest, I enjoy doing such things.

However, today I find myself on the other side of things, waiting in anticipation for information that I desire. The International Service Project team reveal is tomorrow and I want to know where I'm going. Part of it is so that I can figure out if I'll be able to go to a friend's wedding or if there's a chance I'll miss it entirely. Part of it is so that I will have the satisfaction of knowing where it is that I'm heading.

The ISP program is something that is really important to me. I have a lifelong goal to work in the same type of capacity on a permanent, career basis. Still, this biting of the nails is going to drive me slowly insane. The worst part of it is that it's a three hour meeting and they don't tell you your destination until the end of the night.

Despite this, I am excited. I may join old team members for another adventure. I will be going to a brand new country. And I will be serving the coolest, most amazing God that mankind has ever had the privilage of worshipping.

Excerpts from Real Life

Today is the twenty-first day of the worst headache of my life. Considering I've been getting at least three weekly headaches since I was twelve years old (read: 8 years), that says something. To be honest- and let's face it, sometimes a blog is the only place you can feel fully honest- this scares me to death. There are so many things that it could be caused by, so many possibilities. My mother always says that I row the boat before I even get into the water, saying that I worry before it's even an issue, but this is very real. I know full well that they will be checking for tumors, for vascular issues, and for a few other very serious conditions. I've been tested before, but that was 6-7 years ago. A lot can change in that time.

I don't like being unprepared, either. I like to have plans and stratagies. I'm probably the only person at my school with a fire-safe lock box for the important documents, but hey. If there's a fire or earthquake, my important documents are safe. I don't, however, have an "In case of cancer" plan.

To be honest? I'd probably quit school for a little while. I'd get my father to come down here and we'd haul my stuff home. I'd do my treatment at home, maybe a little bit of online schooling through the local community college. Make a few trips to see the really important people in my life.

I'm tired of the pain, too. The pain's been so bad that I just can't do more than one or two things a day. Unfortunately, this is tech week and I can't bring myself to go to class. I can't focus and I can't be around bright lights long enough to actually sit through a class. I went to chapel today and it was torture.

Please. Pray for me. I have an appointment on Monday with the doctor. He's a little limited as to what tests he can do due to certain complications, but hopefully, we'll have an answer soon. Pray that I can have the strength to make it through opening weekend this weekend. Pray that I can stop worrying about all the what ifs and take peace in the knowledge that whatever it is, God has a plan for me.

No time to say goodbye- Hello!

All right, then. You've managed to find my blog and thus, my intro post. Very good. Very good indeed. Contained herein will be in process bits of work, happenings in my life, and other nonsense and fluff. My name is Heather. I am an artist. My medium is the English language.