On Being a Whole Woman

Warning: Girl talk ahead.

Did that get your attention? Are any of you still with me? Well, it's ok if you aren't. What I want to talk about today is an odd little something that God's blessed me with in the last month. You see, when I was 16, I was told by a doctor that I'd probably find out that I was sterile when I tried to have kids. I wasn't ovulating at all, and it looked like I was just completely unable to do so.

It didn't bother me right away. A year or so passed by and I started growing up, thinking about what kind of life I wanted to lead and the things I wanted to do. I've always wanted to be a mother. I began to have these intensely vivid dreams about being married to a faceless man, in love, and heavily pregnant with his child. Those mornings, I wake up crying.

It ached to hold a child. While I was overseas last summer, we visited an orphanage. I lasted for a good period of time, but at one point, I just had to set the baby I was holding down and step into the hall. I cried for longer than I care to admit. I don't work with kids at church because it hurts in my heart to see their faces.

Recently, though, I had gotten to the point of trusting in God and realizing that no matter what, He'll provide for me. If that means He'd work Hannah's miracle in me, that would be amazing. If it meant He'd provide a way for adoption, I'd be blessed that way as well.

God works in funny ways. Just a few months after I came to peace with the concept of being sterile, I was diagnosed with a disorder called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I figured, great. This means that they have a name for why I can't have kids. Then one of the doctors I saw said the most beautiful thing. He said that women with PCOS respond really well to hormone and fertilization treatments. More than likely, when I'm ready for children, I'll be able to have as many fat babies as I want.

God is good. It's not a Hannah, but He still worked a miracle for me. I went home that afternoon and couldn't help but cry for joy. I no longer feel like I'm less of a woman. I feel like there's a plan for me that involves the children I so desire. And I can be content to wait until God shows me that faceless man in my dreams and gives him the face I know that I'll love.

GCN Conference 2009- Day One

Something that I've mentioned in early blog posts is that I have the privilege of working with a group called the Gay Christian Network (GCN) as a member and a volunteer. GCN has been a ministry that I really can get behind and I've been blessed even as I work for them. The purpose of this forum-based community is to connect people with those who identify as gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered and Christian with others like them, supporters, and friends and family members that are supportive and/or are searching for answers about what God is doing in this community.

Each year, this world-wide network hosts a conference in a major city in the United States. Last year was Washington, D.C. This year was Anaheim and it was my first conference. I've always been involved heavily with whatever church or ministry that I'm a part of, so I immediately volunteered to help out when I realized that I could go to this conference.

Sometime this last spring, a friend of mine contacted me to say "I'm helping coordinate the conference and I wanted to know if you're able to do this." She offered me the position of Publicity Director- I would make the printed materials needed for the conference. Well, I know my way around Publisher and I know what tends to be the best layout for this type of thing. I've attended a lot of conferences. So I said yes and we got rolling.

Getting the program printed was a bit of a nightmare. Unfortunately, schedules tend to wait until the last minute before they're finalized. In addition to this, the night I was hoping to have it finished, my dear Yoshihiro (my laptop) decided that he was going to throw a temper tantrum and not open things properly. I ended up being that crazy looking lady in the airport who has her lunch sitting next to her with her laptop in her lap and a cell phone in her ear, calling around and confirming everything. Still, the programs got printed, they looked awesome, and they got to the hotel early enough to be prepped for registration.

So how did I experience conference? Mostly, it was from the back of the room. Things kicked off Thursday with me learning how to run the program for the projection stuff during the services. I tried to stay as on hand as possible for Chris and Dennis, just basically being their minion of sorts. I absolutely love the job, by the way. They are two amazing people who are fired up for the Lord and just want to serve. Working with them was a blessing. I had dinner with my English roommate, got to talk to a few conference attendees down in the hotel cafe, and then headed up to help out with registration while the regular volunteers got dinner. It was so amazing to have the chance to meet so many people as they were registering. I think things got a little like a whirlwind at one point, but to see so many people registered...

I had a really great opportunity during the general session too. Just after the worship, I ducked out to visit the restroom and Nate from the office was wandering around. He needed more supplies but didn't have a way to get anywhere. Can you say field trip? We hopped into my truck and took off to Target. I loved that evening with Nate, just heading out, getting things done, and talking while we're at it. After cutting a bunch of cards for name tags and ribbon for identifying those who are ok with photos, I spent a while peeling the backs off of avatar photo stickers and just being available for answering questions. I love to be helpful, I really do. I feel like I get more out of an event when I can serve than when I am served.

After things wrapped up a little, I just went and crashed in bed. It wasn't pretty. Friday through Sunday left to talk about. Stay tuned!