On Being a Whole Woman

Warning: Girl talk ahead.

Did that get your attention? Are any of you still with me? Well, it's ok if you aren't. What I want to talk about today is an odd little something that God's blessed me with in the last month. You see, when I was 16, I was told by a doctor that I'd probably find out that I was sterile when I tried to have kids. I wasn't ovulating at all, and it looked like I was just completely unable to do so.

It didn't bother me right away. A year or so passed by and I started growing up, thinking about what kind of life I wanted to lead and the things I wanted to do. I've always wanted to be a mother. I began to have these intensely vivid dreams about being married to a faceless man, in love, and heavily pregnant with his child. Those mornings, I wake up crying.

It ached to hold a child. While I was overseas last summer, we visited an orphanage. I lasted for a good period of time, but at one point, I just had to set the baby I was holding down and step into the hall. I cried for longer than I care to admit. I don't work with kids at church because it hurts in my heart to see their faces.

Recently, though, I had gotten to the point of trusting in God and realizing that no matter what, He'll provide for me. If that means He'd work Hannah's miracle in me, that would be amazing. If it meant He'd provide a way for adoption, I'd be blessed that way as well.

God works in funny ways. Just a few months after I came to peace with the concept of being sterile, I was diagnosed with a disorder called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I figured, great. This means that they have a name for why I can't have kids. Then one of the doctors I saw said the most beautiful thing. He said that women with PCOS respond really well to hormone and fertilization treatments. More than likely, when I'm ready for children, I'll be able to have as many fat babies as I want.

God is good. It's not a Hannah, but He still worked a miracle for me. I went home that afternoon and couldn't help but cry for joy. I no longer feel like I'm less of a woman. I feel like there's a plan for me that involves the children I so desire. And I can be content to wait until God shows me that faceless man in my dreams and gives him the face I know that I'll love.

Odd Dreams

I've been noticing a recurring theme in a lot of the most vivid dreams that I've been having over the last several months. In these dreams, I'm either pregnant or I have a baby either through my own pregnancy or some strange twist of fate. Once, it was because some guy held up the restaurant I was at and when I talked him out of killing us all, he gave me his infant son to raise before letting us go and killing himself.

I know, disturbing dream.

The reason I blog about this is because last night, I was visited by yet another baby dream. I was in some sort of fantasy world in which I was attending school for... something. I simply remember that I wore a uniform and that I was only really happy when I was singing. Along comes this guy. He's sweet and slightly awkward, and through some odd happenstance, I had apparently gotten formally engaged to this guy and somehow pregnant because of him. I was upset and angry with him, because I felt like I had no choice in all of this. Still, through the dream, I kept my "situation" from him and started falling for him. When it came out that I was with child, he suddenly pulled this really cool move where he turned into a freaking panther and stole me away to his family's home. Turns out he's a prince or some such, and had magic.

I spent the rest of my dream simply spending time with him and getting bigger and bigger. I woke up well before I was due, but you know what? I really wanted to get back to that dream. Stupid biological clock. Stupid hormones. I guess I'm at the age of wanting a baby and it's permeating into my subconscious.

...I hope that there's not a guy out there who's thinking of dating me that reads my blog, because I just scared him away. Ah, well. I know that it's unreasonable to have a baby now. I mean, I'm in the middle of school and don't have a husband nor a "real job". Still. I really wish that I could have my own family soon. It's been strange, hanging around mostly couples. It really makes me feel... alone.