It's 1:30 in the morning. I haven't been able to sleep, despite being so tired. Everything's gone terribly wrong in my head. I find myself saying all too often "2009 is not my year," despite only being 1/12 through it.
The year started off rather well. I closed 2008 with a youth conference and opened 2009 with another conference. Things just seemed to spiral downward. My job situation has shifted enough that it's difficult to stay afloat monetarily. My truck ended up needing work done on it, which cost me $200 that I didn't have. The one class I was looking forward to this school year was canceled. I ended things with my boyfriend because he just wasn't the right one for me. Money's even tighter because my loan check is being delayed. There's stress in my apartment between my roommates and myself and it's mostly because they don't talk to me about much.
My parents are getting divorced.
That's the hardest thing of all. All I've ever known is mom *and* dad. They've been married 25 years. I helped my dad arrange the flowers he got her for their anniversary this last November. It breaks my heart and destroys a lot of what I thought about marriage. It makes me nervous to continue dating. It makes me scared to consider moving forward.
I've got my head all in a fog. I can't concentrate and I fear that I might fall behind in classes a little. I don't know how to focus enough around this whole thing. I'm scared and lonely and it doesn't matter that I'm around people. I don't know how to get through this.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
GCN Conference 2009- Day One
Something that I've mentioned in early blog posts is that I have the privilege of working with a group called the Gay Christian Network (GCN) as a member and a volunteer. GCN has been a ministry that I really can get behind and I've been blessed even as I work for them. The purpose of this forum-based community is to connect people with those who identify as gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered and Christian with others like them, supporters, and friends and family members that are supportive and/or are searching for answers about what God is doing in this community.
Each year, this world-wide network hosts a conference in a major city in the United States. Last year was Washington, D.C. This year was Anaheim and it was my first conference. I've always been involved heavily with whatever church or ministry that I'm a part of, so I immediately volunteered to help out when I realized that I could go to this conference.
Sometime this last spring, a friend of mine contacted me to say "I'm helping coordinate the conference and I wanted to know if you're able to do this." She offered me the position of Publicity Director- I would make the printed materials needed for the conference. Well, I know my way around Publisher and I know what tends to be the best layout for this type of thing. I've attended a lot of conferences. So I said yes and we got rolling.
Getting the program printed was a bit of a nightmare. Unfortunately, schedules tend to wait until the last minute before they're finalized. In addition to this, the night I was hoping to have it finished, my dear Yoshihiro (my laptop) decided that he was going to throw a temper tantrum and not open things properly. I ended up being that crazy looking lady in the airport who has her lunch sitting next to her with her laptop in her lap and a cell phone in her ear, calling around and confirming everything. Still, the programs got printed, they looked awesome, and they got to the hotel early enough to be prepped for registration.
So how did I experience conference? Mostly, it was from the back of the room. Things kicked off Thursday with me learning how to run the program for the projection stuff during the services. I tried to stay as on hand as possible for Chris and Dennis, just basically being their minion of sorts. I absolutely love the job, by the way. They are two amazing people who are fired up for the Lord and just want to serve. Working with them was a blessing. I had dinner with my English roommate, got to talk to a few conference attendees down in the hotel cafe, and then headed up to help out with registration while the regular volunteers got dinner. It was so amazing to have the chance to meet so many people as they were registering. I think things got a little like a whirlwind at one point, but to see so many people registered...
I had a really great opportunity during the general session too. Just after the worship, I ducked out to visit the restroom and Nate from the office was wandering around. He needed more supplies but didn't have a way to get anywhere. Can you say field trip? We hopped into my truck and took off to Target. I loved that evening with Nate, just heading out, getting things done, and talking while we're at it. After cutting a bunch of cards for name tags and ribbon for identifying those who are ok with photos, I spent a while peeling the backs off of avatar photo stickers and just being available for answering questions. I love to be helpful, I really do. I feel like I get more out of an event when I can serve than when I am served.
After things wrapped up a little, I just went and crashed in bed. It wasn't pretty. Friday through Sunday left to talk about. Stay tuned!
Each year, this world-wide network hosts a conference in a major city in the United States. Last year was Washington, D.C. This year was Anaheim and it was my first conference. I've always been involved heavily with whatever church or ministry that I'm a part of, so I immediately volunteered to help out when I realized that I could go to this conference.
Sometime this last spring, a friend of mine contacted me to say "I'm helping coordinate the conference and I wanted to know if you're able to do this." She offered me the position of Publicity Director- I would make the printed materials needed for the conference. Well, I know my way around Publisher and I know what tends to be the best layout for this type of thing. I've attended a lot of conferences. So I said yes and we got rolling.
Getting the program printed was a bit of a nightmare. Unfortunately, schedules tend to wait until the last minute before they're finalized. In addition to this, the night I was hoping to have it finished, my dear Yoshihiro (my laptop) decided that he was going to throw a temper tantrum and not open things properly. I ended up being that crazy looking lady in the airport who has her lunch sitting next to her with her laptop in her lap and a cell phone in her ear, calling around and confirming everything. Still, the programs got printed, they looked awesome, and they got to the hotel early enough to be prepped for registration.
So how did I experience conference? Mostly, it was from the back of the room. Things kicked off Thursday with me learning how to run the program for the projection stuff during the services. I tried to stay as on hand as possible for Chris and Dennis, just basically being their minion of sorts. I absolutely love the job, by the way. They are two amazing people who are fired up for the Lord and just want to serve. Working with them was a blessing. I had dinner with my English roommate, got to talk to a few conference attendees down in the hotel cafe, and then headed up to help out with registration while the regular volunteers got dinner. It was so amazing to have the chance to meet so many people as they were registering. I think things got a little like a whirlwind at one point, but to see so many people registered...
I had a really great opportunity during the general session too. Just after the worship, I ducked out to visit the restroom and Nate from the office was wandering around. He needed more supplies but didn't have a way to get anywhere. Can you say field trip? We hopped into my truck and took off to Target. I loved that evening with Nate, just heading out, getting things done, and talking while we're at it. After cutting a bunch of cards for name tags and ribbon for identifying those who are ok with photos, I spent a while peeling the backs off of avatar photo stickers and just being available for answering questions. I love to be helpful, I really do. I feel like I get more out of an event when I can serve than when I am served.
After things wrapped up a little, I just went and crashed in bed. It wasn't pretty. Friday through Sunday left to talk about. Stay tuned!
Oops
I really need to start updating this more often. Well, Christmas did show up and then I had two conferences, one of which I will be blogging about later. Still, I glanced at my blog, saw that I had gotten really excited about ISP and said "Well, darn. I need to tell the 3.7 people who read my blog that I'm not going."
That's right. I'm not going. I lost funding, couldn't feel comfortable with where I was going and what I was doing, and realized that I really did need to stay here and take some classes. Plus, a good pair of friends of mine are getting married, and if I had gone, I would have missed their wedding. Not good!
My truck also almost died. Yeah. Buddy says to me, "Hey, don't take it in. I'll teach you to replace the oil." In his defense, I do now know how to change my own oil. I also know what not to do and how to change my transmission fluid. Thanks, Rick.
Single again. Don't know if I told y'all that I was dating. Still, it's for the best all around. Oh, hey, I should get ready for class. See you guys real soon!
That's right. I'm not going. I lost funding, couldn't feel comfortable with where I was going and what I was doing, and realized that I really did need to stay here and take some classes. Plus, a good pair of friends of mine are getting married, and if I had gone, I would have missed their wedding. Not good!
My truck also almost died. Yeah. Buddy says to me, "Hey, don't take it in. I'll teach you to replace the oil." In his defense, I do now know how to change my own oil. I also know what not to do and how to change my transmission fluid. Thanks, Rick.
Single again. Don't know if I told y'all that I was dating. Still, it's for the best all around. Oh, hey, I should get ready for class. See you guys real soon!
Monday, December 8, 2008
ISPOMGBBQ
My boyfriend said something to me recently that got me thinking just a little bit. He said, "I love surprises, but I hate anticipation." He was referring to the fact that, as a planner, I occasionally hint at the fact that a surprise is coming, but let his imagination fill in the blanks. To be rather frankly honest, I enjoy doing such things.
However, today I find myself on the other side of things, waiting in anticipation for information that I desire. The International Service Project team reveal is tomorrow and I want to know where I'm going. Part of it is so that I can figure out if I'll be able to go to a friend's wedding or if there's a chance I'll miss it entirely. Part of it is so that I will have the satisfaction of knowing where it is that I'm heading.
The ISP program is something that is really important to me. I have a lifelong goal to work in the same type of capacity on a permanent, career basis. Still, this biting of the nails is going to drive me slowly insane. The worst part of it is that it's a three hour meeting and they don't tell you your destination until the end of the night.
Despite this, I am excited. I may join old team members for another adventure. I will be going to a brand new country. And I will be serving the coolest, most amazing God that mankind has ever had the privilage of worshipping.
However, today I find myself on the other side of things, waiting in anticipation for information that I desire. The International Service Project team reveal is tomorrow and I want to know where I'm going. Part of it is so that I can figure out if I'll be able to go to a friend's wedding or if there's a chance I'll miss it entirely. Part of it is so that I will have the satisfaction of knowing where it is that I'm heading.
The ISP program is something that is really important to me. I have a lifelong goal to work in the same type of capacity on a permanent, career basis. Still, this biting of the nails is going to drive me slowly insane. The worst part of it is that it's a three hour meeting and they don't tell you your destination until the end of the night.
Despite this, I am excited. I may join old team members for another adventure. I will be going to a brand new country. And I will be serving the coolest, most amazing God that mankind has ever had the privilage of worshipping.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Summer drabble
So I remembered this little drabble that I worked on a little while ago. I'm still not sure if I'm going to expound on it at all, but hey. It's fun and kind of random.
*******
She could feel her skin slowly start to burn as she moved down the street under July’s hot sun. Sweat beaded on her forehead only to drip down into narrowed eyes. She wished for something to shield her from the heat- a tube of sunscreen, some shade, even an umbrella. The press of a cold, twelve ounce can against the back of her neck caused her to jump. A man laughed, breaking the self-imposed silence that buzzed in her ears. Suddenly, she could hear it again- the hum of conversations, the toll of bells that was children’s laughter, and the many sounds of machinery that made this fair run like one smoothly oiled engine rather than several parts of chaos.
She reached for the soda and the light caught her eye, causing a wince. Blue eyes glanced back up, this time from a slightly different angle. The man looked as well. There were no bright colors to this tent. No carnie beckoned outside, no hawker of wares, nothing showed the reason for this dark tent beyond a simple sign pinned to the entrance. “We’ve been waiting for you,” it said in its simple block letters. “Come to see what we have for you.”
A shift of bodies. She pressed closer to the man, unconsciously, even as he put an arm around her. At the same time, they both felt the draw, the pull of this possibly wondrous place.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Passed Props Pose Problems
I love alliterations.
So I haven't taken a huge look at the results of the recent election. I was pretty resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be too terribly happy with either president. I couldn't really care about the representatives for the state or anything along that line. What really held my interest were two propositions- Props 4 and 8.
Prop 4, as you may know, was the proposed law to require that abortion agencies inform parents prior to conducting an abortion for a minor. It did not pass. Frankly, this upsets me on two levels- intellectual and spiritual. On the spiritual level, I am fully pro-life and feel that once a child is conceived, it has life. Speaking as a woman who is at a very high risk of being infertile, I wish that there were more emphasis on adoption in these situations. On an intellectual level, it infuriates me that parents get angry over a child receiving an asprin without their permission but allow invasive surgery to be conducted, a surgery that has many complications and both emotional and mental scarring. What type of twisted world do we live in where that makes sense?
I understand that there are girls out there who make mistakes, end up pregnant, and could be hurt by a parent if they came out and said that they were pregnant. Still, wouldn't it be much more positive and proactive if we developed a way to facilitate the informing of parents that would keep the girl safe?
Prop 8. It's so loaded. I do not feel that God supports and blesses same sex relationships. However, I do not believe that it is a disease or a defect that should be "healed" or whatever it is that people believe should be happening to those who are gay. I did not support nor did I vote for Prop 8 and that is because I feel that by it passing, it just brings about another step of discrimination against these people who are in despirate need of God's love.
Now, there are gay Christians. I work with an organization called the Gay Christian Network. Their website can be found at http://www.gaychristian.net/ and you can see what their ministry entails. I support what they call Side B- those who identify and embrace their sexuality rather than try to change it, but still remain celibate and abstain from same-sex relationships. It is my dream, my very bold dream, that one day, churches will be welcoming people into their congregations and rather than promoting the ex-gay ministries, they advocate a Side B approach. It is my dream that every gay and lesbian that I come across will not feel like they are second-rate in society's eyes, in my eyes, in the church's eyes, nor in God's eyes.
Prop 8 just serves to lower these people. How can we call ourselves Christians if we reject a group of people based on one item that makes up part of who they are? We were not sent out to reach out to the whole, but to the broken.
I'm so glad that I don't plan on living in California for long.
So I haven't taken a huge look at the results of the recent election. I was pretty resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be too terribly happy with either president. I couldn't really care about the representatives for the state or anything along that line. What really held my interest were two propositions- Props 4 and 8.
Prop 4, as you may know, was the proposed law to require that abortion agencies inform parents prior to conducting an abortion for a minor. It did not pass. Frankly, this upsets me on two levels- intellectual and spiritual. On the spiritual level, I am fully pro-life and feel that once a child is conceived, it has life. Speaking as a woman who is at a very high risk of being infertile, I wish that there were more emphasis on adoption in these situations. On an intellectual level, it infuriates me that parents get angry over a child receiving an asprin without their permission but allow invasive surgery to be conducted, a surgery that has many complications and both emotional and mental scarring. What type of twisted world do we live in where that makes sense?
I understand that there are girls out there who make mistakes, end up pregnant, and could be hurt by a parent if they came out and said that they were pregnant. Still, wouldn't it be much more positive and proactive if we developed a way to facilitate the informing of parents that would keep the girl safe?
Prop 8. It's so loaded. I do not feel that God supports and blesses same sex relationships. However, I do not believe that it is a disease or a defect that should be "healed" or whatever it is that people believe should be happening to those who are gay. I did not support nor did I vote for Prop 8 and that is because I feel that by it passing, it just brings about another step of discrimination against these people who are in despirate need of God's love.
Now, there are gay Christians. I work with an organization called the Gay Christian Network. Their website can be found at http://www.gaychristian.net/ and you can see what their ministry entails. I support what they call Side B- those who identify and embrace their sexuality rather than try to change it, but still remain celibate and abstain from same-sex relationships. It is my dream, my very bold dream, that one day, churches will be welcoming people into their congregations and rather than promoting the ex-gay ministries, they advocate a Side B approach. It is my dream that every gay and lesbian that I come across will not feel like they are second-rate in society's eyes, in my eyes, in the church's eyes, nor in God's eyes.
Prop 8 just serves to lower these people. How can we call ourselves Christians if we reject a group of people based on one item that makes up part of who they are? We were not sent out to reach out to the whole, but to the broken.
I'm so glad that I don't plan on living in California for long.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
No Props for Prop 8- Part 2
Last night was Halloween. As you can guess, I saw a lot of things that I don't typically see. After all, I was dressed as a witch. How often do you see a pirate, a sniper, a witch, a princess, and Master Chief wandering down a sidewalk together?
What really bothered me, though, was how many people I saw carrying around Yes/No on Prop 8 signs. (No, they didn't say both options- I just saw both types of sign.) It's Halloween- a time for fun and frivolity, not for political statements.
What really concerns me about this proposition is the potential ramifications that such a proposition may have on the GLBT community and the huge rift that is there between the Christian church as a whole and the community itself. You see, many churches react badly to a member of the church coming out of the closet. They demand that the person either leave the church or try to change who they are, go through things called ex-gay ministries. I'm not going to reference any specific ones here, because I think they're really more damaging than they benefit people. It's rare to have success stories that really last a lifetime, that don't leave the person damaged. Besides, a straight person wouldn't ever be forced to become gay, would they? Of course not. That's their nature.
The problem is that people assume that by identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, you are automatically sinning. However, it is not until one actually acts on such an urge that a sin is being transgressed. I am in full support of those who identify as gay Christians and also identify as celebate as far as their homosexual urges go. I feel that by such a blatant refusal to give the GLBT community something that they've asked, to exclude them from something so important in our society, just brings more discrimination against them. Here's the kicker- A person who is gay is no different from you or me.
If the church could get to that point and deal with the issue of sin without condemning the person, what a revolution could be had!
What really bothered me, though, was how many people I saw carrying around Yes/No on Prop 8 signs. (No, they didn't say both options- I just saw both types of sign.) It's Halloween- a time for fun and frivolity, not for political statements.
What really concerns me about this proposition is the potential ramifications that such a proposition may have on the GLBT community and the huge rift that is there between the Christian church as a whole and the community itself. You see, many churches react badly to a member of the church coming out of the closet. They demand that the person either leave the church or try to change who they are, go through things called ex-gay ministries. I'm not going to reference any specific ones here, because I think they're really more damaging than they benefit people. It's rare to have success stories that really last a lifetime, that don't leave the person damaged. Besides, a straight person wouldn't ever be forced to become gay, would they? Of course not. That's their nature.
The problem is that people assume that by identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, you are automatically sinning. However, it is not until one actually acts on such an urge that a sin is being transgressed. I am in full support of those who identify as gay Christians and also identify as celebate as far as their homosexual urges go. I feel that by such a blatant refusal to give the GLBT community something that they've asked, to exclude them from something so important in our society, just brings more discrimination against them. Here's the kicker- A person who is gay is no different from you or me.
If the church could get to that point and deal with the issue of sin without condemning the person, what a revolution could be had!
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